Hot!
It's been a hot week, and we took the kids to the outdoor fountain downtown. Z is NOT afraid of water at all. I actually wish he'd show a little bit of healthy fear, as his favorite game in the pool is Let's-Play-Drowning. He sinks to the bottom, swallows water, wiggles away from me, and goes under. He loves it, but really--it's just more grey hair for me. So today was nice because I wasn't saving him from his watery grave. Just spraying fountains.

Every once in a while, I find my mind going down a slippery slope of "what if." What if we hadn't pursued this adoption? What if we hadn't fought so hard to get Z here? What if he had to grow up in an orphanage? I find my throat closing up and my heart racing and I have to take deep breaths. It frightens me to think about "what if." But I cling to where we are now. Z is here, with us, out of the care center, out of extreme poverty. He is here.

Enjoy the photos. Especially the last one.

Disappearing Act

If this little boy weren't so cute...

Little Z has a funny way of losing things. Mostly items in the store we're purchasing. He insists on carrying things, which is the bulk of the problem right there. At the library, he found a book about trains that he was ga-ga for. Z would not let us carry it, and so when it came time to check out, he had misplaced it and we couldn't take it home. He needed a new toothbrush the other day, so he picked out a Cookie Monster brush (surprise, surprise) and demanded to carry it. And what happened when we got to the counter? You guessed it... it was gone. He set it down somewhere in the store. I don't know how he does it. I keep checking on what he's holding in his hands, and only at the last minute is it AWOL. Yesterday we were at Target getting odds and ends. We are completely out of coffee, so I put some coffee in the cart with Zinabu. I kept a close eye on it the entire time, making sure it made it to the cashier and into a bag. Success! But somehow between the store and our car, it disappeared. How does he do it?

Meanwhile, there is no coffee in the house right now and I am debating chewing on a tree trunk.

Choices

As a mom, I am overwhelmed by the choices I have. Just standing in the juice aisle is enough to put me over the edge sometimes. I have choices from necessity (I have to eat but I get to choose what I eat). I have choices in my opinions (I get to vote for a candidate in an election). And I have choices about lots and lots of other things that affect my kids and how I feel as a mom. For example, it's important to me that we eat mostly organic food. It's a choice I have made, but I don't think I should feel superior as a mother since I have been known to let my kids consume too much sugar. I love public school. It's where I want my kids. And that's my choice. But it doesn't mean I can't relate to my friends who homeschool or have their children in a private school. At the end of the day, we all want what's best for our kids.

What I don't understand, though, is stupid choices I see other parents make. I went to see the new Harry Potter movie today (yes, I'm a fan) and I counted no fewer than 11 three-year-olds. There were also several four-year-olds, and five-year-olds. All of it freaked me out--especially those tiny kids. Why is it that parents today feel it is acceptable to expose their young kids to so much? Why is it that our society seems to feel that if the media offers it, we should all take part in it? I don't get it.

Wow! A picture with all 3 kids smiling! Unheard of, really. I just had to post it. And another astonishing fact? A FINISHED piece of jewelry. A banner day all around.

It's My Birthday

Every year on my birthday, David and I go to a very swanky resort in town for brunch. They put out quite a spread, and they hover over you with refills of Starbucks coffee. I was in heaven. Even the bathrooms are spectacular. See photo below.

Of course, it surprises David and I that they let us into places like this. I always feel like we don't belong. When I went to use the bathroom, I noticed I had a hole in my underwear. Typical.

It was the first time we left Zinabu so the both of us could go out. Z was fine, of course, and I was happy for some alone time with David. We have not had a date together in almost 4 months. That's not at all how we want to live. We try to take time out for each other, but when you adopt an older toddler, life is just put on hold for a season. We're slowly coming out of isolation--but only what Zinabu can handle. I plan to spend the rest of the day reading the pile of books next to my bed...and working a little on some jewelry. It's a new "hobby" of mine. But if you have only approximately 3 minutes a day to yourself to work on a hobby, can you call it a hobby? More like a fleeting diversion.

Speechless
We had a fantastic day at the aquarium. I LOVE the aquarium. I couldn't wait to see Zinabu's reaction... and it was worth it! He was speechless. It's the only time--EVER--that I've seen him quiet. He loved it so much. Here are a few photos from our day. Not the best quality since it's dark in there...

Off Biking

David is off for a 3 day mountain biking trip. He's by himself...which always makes me a little nervous. He's had broken bones and stitches before, so I'm praying he stays safe but has fun. I'm tired. It used to be when David was gone I would rent "my" movies and stay up late reading. Let's just say it was a miracle getting all the kids to bed by 9pm tonight and I'm pooped. Tomorrow I am taking the kids to the aquarium and I can't wait to watch Zinabu's reaction. He really wants to see the octopus! How cool is that?

I had a nice walk the other night with a sweet friend. It's always good to talk with other women/moms and get grounded again. As different as kids are, she and I share the same dreams for our children... and the same fears. When we talk, I always feel better.

And last but not least, I am so happy to say that we are another step closer to finalizing Zinabu's adoption. In the next couple days, our paperwork will be submitted to our county magistrate for processing. Ethiopia recognizes us as little Z's parents, but the U.S.A...not quite. It's just more paperwork, really, but I'm so thrilled we're almost there. We had our 3 month post-placement visit with our social worker today. Can it almost be 3 months? We feel so blessed that in all our talking with our social worker, we had only positive things to say about this adoption and Z's adjustment. It will be a joyous day, though, when we get to October 12. That will mark the day that Zinabu will have been with us for as long as he was in the care center.

Come on, October.

Cuddling
I am so, so grateful Zinabu loves to be cuddled. And not by just anyone. Mostly me and sometimes David. When he wakes up in the morning he is full-force action. I can barely keep up with him. But when he wakes up from his afternoon nap, he is groggy and timid and wants to be comforted. We hug and snuggle and bond. I love it.

Fast Cash?
In regards to my previous post about money (and the lack thereof) at our home... I'm thinking of hiring Lily out to do hair. Look at the lovely style she did for me? Aren't you jealous?

NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

I've been summoned for jury duty. I do not have time for this. My doom's day is August 2nd. I can call on August 1st to see if the number they assigned me is going to be needed. I really, really hope not. Meanwhile, we have entered the realm of No Money Whatsoever. There's "flat broke" and then there's us. More like "concave broke." Lots of expenses due all at once: the co-pay for Zinabu's hospital stay, post-placement adoption fees, car insurance, lawyer fees for adoption finalization, etc. I have night sweats occasionally, but overall I try to keep the eternal perspective. We do not "keep up with the Joneses." There is a lot we do without. Compared to the rest of the world, we live in luxury. So we keep pressing on and squeak by for another month. It will get better.

Happy Kids

Carver has always loved to dress up. I've encouraged it because it makes life very fun. If you had to choose between going on errands with a boy in shorts and a t-shirt or a boy in cowboy boots, spurs, vest, and cowboy hat, which would you choose? My point exactly! I've made lots of trips to the thrift store to stock up on items my kids can dress in. You'd be surprised what you can find there. So guess who caught the dress-up bug the other day? Zinabu took one look at Carver in this Power Ranger get up and jumped in with both feet.

People continue to ask how Zinabu is adjusting. Zinabu has always been just fine. Other than being very ill the first 10 days he was home, he's been great. It's the other two kids that have had a very rough adjustment period. It's not easy having a 3 year old just up and join your family. The routine is different. The noise level is different. The lack of time with mom is different. Even little things like where everyone sits in the car is different. But after 2 and a half months, I can say that Carver and Lily are doing well and probably are at the point where it's hard to remember what it was really like before Zinabu arrived. Little Z is just part of their lives, and they're growing a little closer to him each day.

Oh Beautiful...

For spacious skies and amber waves of grain.
And doctors and nurses and angiograms that show healthy hearts!
Mom is home and well and resting. All her tests came back okay, so she'll have to follow up with her physician but they've ruled out major, major problems.

I sat and looked at this sign for an agonizing chunk of time this morning. It didn't help that a family came in, turned on the TV, and watched the national hot dog eating contest. They actually cheered for the contestants. Meanwhile, I was preparing myself for the worst--that they would find a lot of damage in my mom's arteries and they would need to do a major procedure. It was such a relief when the doctor came out and told me she looked pretty good! Hooray! Mom had to lie on her back completely still for the rest of the day, so I was with her so I could help her eat and drink and just have someone to talk to. I am so happy to report she is back at home. Here's to a normal day tomorrow. I am too tired to see straight right now. Bless my hubby who has entertained the kids with root beer floats, music, the slip and slide, and who knows what else! Happy 4th!

My mom is scheduled for angioplasty tomorrow morning. It was supposed to be this morning, then this afternoon, then this morning again... They're shuffling her around like a deck of cards. After all my "it's not fair" whining of yesterday, I feel a little more "blessed" today. Thankful she had warning signs. Thankful that she was not on the plane to Ohio for my cousin's wedding this weekend. Thankful I am here to be with her. Thankful for another day with her. I have much to be thankful for. She is in a little pain, but mostly bored to tears. I'll be at her house today cleaning up some things. Wouldn't you know this was the week she had work done on her house and it's a disaster over there. Tomorrow I'll be at the hospital for most of the day. Let's hope this is the last family member in the hospital for a long, long time.

Curve Ball
Life just isn't fair. Today my mom--my sweet, wonderful, best-friend mom--was admitted to the cardio unit at the hospital for a possible heart attack. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being death and 1 being nothing to worry about, I think she's about a 5. She had chest pains starting last night, but nothing too bad and she thought it was indigestion. Today they were worse, so she went to the hospital. I hate this. I hate watching my mom be sick. I hate the sick-in-my-gut feeling that something might happen to her. I hate that I already lost my dad, and I feel like I cannot let anything happen to my mom. My dad was too young and my mom is too young. I am too young to be left alone, and that's how it feels. It's not fair. So for now we are putting the trip to camp (see previous post) on hold and waiting it out. If she has a partially blocked artery and needs a procedure done, I want to be here. If she has an infected hangnail, I want to be here. Being at the hospital with her was difficult, and it dredged up yucky memories of my dad's brain tumor. So it was a joy to come home to this...

Gettin' Ready
We are leaving tomorrow for a few days at camp. I LOVE camp. Here in the Rocky Mountains, the YMCA has two huge camps that families can go to. We're staying for 3 nights and have access to the pool, mini golf, horseback riding, zip line, craft shack (my fave!), cafeteria if I don't feel like cooking, hay rides, archery, climbing wall, and all other campy things ad nauseam. Maybe when my kids are 100 I'll let them go away to camp for a week on their own, but until then, we'll go together. We did this last year for the 4th of July, and I suspect it will become a family tradition. We'll watch the fireworks in Winter Park and just enjoy being together. I'll let you know what Zinabu thinks of fireworks. I'm predicting he'll love them. He's getting better around dogs, strangers, car washes, and other frightening things. How bad could fireworks be?

So today we're packing. We just got back from the library. I scored Anna Quindlen's recent book and Not Buying It: My Year Without Shopping. I'd read an article about the author, Judith Levine, who went a whole year without buying ANYTHING but necessities. Think groceries and prescription medicine. Everything else--nada! I'm looking forward to reading about how it went.

When we get back, I am beyond excited to start getting into my art again. Art, creating, and time to myself in general. People are always surprised to find out I was an art major in college. It just shows that having 3 kids takes time, and no time leftover for me. Well, that's about to change. I'll keep you posted. Have a great 4th!

Things I Love About Summer...

Playing outside all day long



Tea roses from the garden


And the farmer's markets, where I can get crusty bread, basil leaves the size of my hand, and juicy tomatoes. Yummmmm

Normal.

Today Zinabu threw the mother of all tantrums. Per chance you heard it? He did NOT want to share his toy truck with anyone. He was very, very put out that I told him we share in this family. After all, Carver and Lily had just let him use all their fun things. It has to go both ways. So he yelled and got a time out. I, on the other hand, was feeling grateful that Zinabu's problems are so minor these days. When I think about where he's come from and all he's been through... even where he could be now... he would be crying over some serious, serious issues. But now that he's with us, he has a childhood. I feel blessed that the worst thing that's happened to him today is that he didn't want to share. I feel glad that he's not in Ethiopia wanting something to eat. Hearing him cry today over such a small thing made me happy. So that's normal for us. We all have different "normal." Visit Stacy and see what normal is for her. It sure makes my days look easier.

Friends and Fun
David's college roommate was in town this week with his family. We met them at the park after they dropped their daughter off at the Air Force Academy. Dawn, the mom, held it together pretty well, I think. I was almost crying just thinking about taking any of my kids to college, let alone the AFA! New cadets are not allowed to call home for 6 weeks... AAAaaaaaaahhhhh! It was great to catch up with them, and just let our kids run around like maniacs. The weather here is a blissful 70 degrees, and we're happy to have it as it supposed to be scorching by this weekend. I love summer. I love the heat. But I'll take a cooler day here and there.

Pleasantly Surprised

Don't you love when your kids surprise you? While we are all still adjusting to a 3rd child in the family, Lily is really taking it in stride. We had braced ourselves for a very tough transition for her. She was the baby of the family, and she is clearly outnumbered by boys now, but of everyone (myself included) she is stepping up to the plate and really growing up. She is an incredible caregiver to Zinabu. While I never demand that she "watch" him or take care of him, she enjoys making him happy and spending time with him. Her relationship with David has grown immensely, too. I think all kids get in the rut of going to Mom first for everything--(example: child hollers, "Mom! I want some water!" while Mom is in the shower and Dad is standing right next to said child) but when I'm busy with Carver or Zinabu, Lily has sought out David and is spending more sweet time with him. It has been a blessing to watch their relationship blossom. A girl needs her daddy! So a big kudos to our Lily, who has taken all the recent changes in our house and shown us she's capable, strong, mature, and kind.

Where Has It All Gone?

The other night, we had just gotten all the kids to bed and I was bemoaning the fact that we really had no food left in the house. I had to go grocery shopping, so I figured I might as well just get it over with. The grocery store I went to is right next to an Old Chicago restaurant. It was 9 pm, and some young college-age people were leaving. I stared at them in amazement, stunned by the fact that I had once been so carefree and un-needed by 3 young kids. No doubt they were on their way to a fun movie where they would indulge in popcorn and Milk Duds. They would stay up till all hours and sleep until noon the next day. I wanted to yell out my window at them, "Enjoy your freedom! Enjoy it while you can!" Because look where I am today. It was 9 at night and all I wanted was to be home in my pajamas, in bed. But I was heading into the grocery store of all places, where I would have the unwelcome task of comparing cheese prices (tell me, why is cheese so expensive right now?) and stocking up on Goldfish crackers and the oh-so fun Finding-A-Vegetable-My-Kids-Will-Eat. This is my life. This is the glamour of motherhood. Grocery shopping is becoming a bit overwhelming to me (Zinabu eats like a horse on steroids) and I feel like it's all I do anymore. I'm trying to scrape the recesses of my brain for memories of the past life I had before kids. I know it's there. Food that included exotic names and ingredients. The memories become more and more dim as the current sleep-disturbed nights pile up on one another. This mothering thing is hard. I am finding it does not get easier. There is no day coming where I will finally "arrive" and say, "That's it! I've finally figured it all out!" I am just treading water right now, trying to stay afloat. Trying not to prevent my kids from a) hating me b) destroying property, and c) embarrassing themselves with terrible table manners. That's my checklist. If I can do those 3 things, I'll be happy.

English According To Zianbu

I was thinking the other day that I haven't used the Amharic dictionary in weeks. The first couple of weeks Zinabu was home, I carried that thing around and was constantly flipping through it to look up Amharic words. I communicated with Zinabu through single words: koy (wait), buhala (later), dabo (bread), mesa (lunch), kum (stop)... you get the picture. He communicated to us through nouns also. But now he's speaking in sentences. He has learned so much English it amazes me. I grieve the Amharic he's lost. Especially the cute little ow he used to say for "yes." But the fact that we can have conversations together and I can understand him and he understands us so well is a blessing. Just last night, we were riding bikes on our street but it was time to go in and get ready for bed. Zinabu said, "How about two more minutes?" How about? HOW ABOUT???? Where did he learn that? How is it that he's negotiating with us? It's so unreal.

And yet, there are still a few words were working on with him so that he gets the true meaning of them.

Share: Everyone has to share with me but I don't have to share with them.
Everybody's: Everything in this house belongs to me.
Together: I get to go first and then the rest of you can go.
No name-calling: I can dish it out, but I can't take it.

He's getting there.

The Cathy Award Goes To...

It's not light summer reading material, but July's issue of Vanity Fair is very much a must-read. I am so thrilled that Bono is the guest-editor, and most of the magazine is dedicated to a continent the rest of the world would rather not think about. To quote Bono on page 32, "Next year more than 10 million children's lives will be lost unnecessarily to extreme poverty, and you'll hear very little about it." If this were happening in Europe or North America, it would be breaking news day after day after day. But not for Africa...

It's a fascinating issue, and I hope you'll find yourselves a copy. You have many different covers to choose from, with Barack Obama, Muhammad Ali, Oprah Winfrey, Desmond Tutu, even (wonders never cease) George W. Can you blame me for buying the copy with Brad Pitt on the cover?

Come on. I'm only human!

Girls

This girl...


feels like this:


Sometimes this girl does too.


So we blew off the boys and went out for cinnamon rolls this morning. We feel better now.

A Warm Hello!

Zinabu wants to say a very special hellow to Selamawit, Sigame, and Dengalo. I love technology, because these kiddos KNEW Zinabu in the care center in Ethiopia. They've been reading my blog with their American families to see pictures of Zinabu and hear how he's doing. I cannot tell you how in love I am with these kids, as they spent time with my son before I could. I love, love, love this.

Zinabu says hi, that he's happy to be in America, and his favorite thing to do is play at a playground. Take care!

Head Wound!
Guess who got stitches in their forehead after falling face-first on our rock path? Not Carver. Not Lily. Not Zinabu.

My Mom.

Bless her heart...she was walking down our flagstone steps, holding Zinabu's hand to make sure he didn't fall, when she lost her balance. It was all very dramatic and bloody. The kids stood around her while blood dripped down her face and onto her clothes, while she reassured them, "I'm OK. Don't worry." I loaded her up in the car and we headed toward the "stitch-u-up" clinic. I had really thought I would be doing this with a child, not my mom.

My mom and I are always up for a donut, and as we drove by a Dunkin Donuts we debated stopping, but she looked pretty gruesome. You know, the bloody rag she was holding to her head and all. Fortunately there was virtually no one in the waiting room at the clinic, so they saw her pretty quick. The big downer was the cretin who did the administrative paperwork. She was updating her insurance information.

Cretin: "Are you still married? It says here you're married!"
Mom: "No, I'm a widow."
Cretin, in a loud, not-sensitive voice: "Then I need to change this to say widow."

Honestly, there have only been a few times in my life that I've wanted to slug someone. This was one of those times. It just wasn't fun. Fortunately, they sent my mom home with some nice stitches and some even nicer pain meds. She'll be sore and bruised for a few days, but we are so thankful she wasn't hurt worse. Pray for her.

And In Other Boring News...
I did it! I made the playroom. Turns out we had more toys than I thought, so it was 2 van trips to the Salvation Army for us! They still have a few things in the "toy library" to rotate through, but not much. I am at peace, as they've kept the new playroom spotless, and their rooms are always clean. Sigh. Now... about the rest of the house (ahem).


Carver and Lily's toys--lovely artwork on the wall.


Zinabu's toys, and on the right games and dress up bin.


Coloring books, paper, crayons in metal magazine racks on the wall.

Whew!
I made it through another Father's Day. Ever since my dad died (brain tumor--I still cannot grasp it after 4 years) I find Father's Day to be a yucky spot on the calendar. I have learned that a lot of TV and choosing-not-to-think-about-it to be excellent (though dysfunctional) ways of coping on hard days. I actually watched endless Bugs Bunny cartoons with Lily last night while I did her braids. She wanted them loooooonnnnggg this time, so to see her running around with braids down her back is so pretty. Braids are an instant self-esteem boost to her. She likes her hair natural, but with braids she turns into super-girl and whips her head around endlessly. Yesterday was warm so we packed up and headed to the canyon near our house where the snow runoff runs into a beautiful mountain stream. We had a lot of snow this year, so the stream is more like a river right now. The kids had fun--you know, after they had all argued for 20 minutes over who got to play with what shovel and bucket.

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

The Best Day Ever
What a pleasant surprise to wake up to road construction on our street. A big dump truck and a scooper made for eye-popping entertainment for my kids. We sat on the curb for over an hour and just watched. Zinabu is so into trucks--and is surprising me with his memory of all their different names: dump truck, backhoe, cement mixer. How does he do it?


The other thing that happened is Lily had a tea party and Zinabu was the guest of honor. Zinabu was drinking water out of the little tea cup, and he kept saying, "Delicious!" That's a pretty big word, and he said it over and over again. After 15 minutes of this, I discovered Lily had tainted the water with huge amounts of sugar. No wonder it was so delicious. I don't know how much sugar Zinabu consumed, but he didn't take a nap!


We are a pretty laid back family and love our time together. I usually sign the kids up for one activity in the summer. Last year it was art classes. Once a week and we all went at the same time. That allows me to feel like they get a little extra curricular activity without me having to drive all over town 10 times a week. This year Carver is on a basketball team with his 2 best friends. It's once a week so I can handle that. Lily decided to do a dance class with her mostest-bestest-super-duper best friend Bailey. I never did dance. My friends didn't do dance. I feel like we entered a new universe of leotards, tights, and expensive shoes. I was so proud of her, though. She's so shy and hates performing anything in front of people. I think because she was with Bailey, she felt comfortable. It's a very basic class, and I think she's going to have a good time.

Passions

There are so many questions we encounter as a mixed-race family, an adoptive family, and an international adoptive family. I am by no means an expert on the subject. I can only speak to what has happened to us. You cannot take our experience, laminate it, and call it "Adoption 101". Every adoption is a journey as unique as a snowflake. Sure, there will be similarities--but we won't be the same. I have found the journey of adoption to be the most grueling and the most rewarding. About the time you think you cannot possibly take one more day of agony, waiting, wondering, and exhaustion--a glimmer of hope flickers, and you find you have it in you to sign one more paper, to make one more phone call, to wait one more day. Our family is a reflection of what David and I are most passionate about. Racial reconciliation, wiping out extreme poverty in Africa, and justice. We made ourselves available, and God led us down the beautiful path of adoption. Make no mistake--our children are not the results of our pity. They are not charity cases that we "saved." They are not "so lucky" to have us. They are our children, pure and simple. Adoption is not a solution to the crisis the children of our world are suffering from. Deep down, I believe the best option for all children is to be raised with their biological parents. I wish our country did a better job of being there for young women faced with the impossible choice of raising a child below the poverty level or relinquishing their baby. I wish our world did a better job of helping families fight extreme poverty so that they could not only keep their children with them, but have a decent meal every day. I wish the church would put aside the anti-abortion rhetoric for one month and use their energy to support the children who are already living and breathing on this planet, desperate to stay with their families. I wish, I wish, I wish...

One of the best pieces of parenting advice I received was from a woman leading an adoption training class back in 1998. She said, "Until your children can speak for themselves, you are their advocate." That is a huge responsibility, but I shoulder it with pride. I speak not only for me, but for Carver, Lily, and Zianbu.

Great Father's Day Gift

Still looking for a great gift for the dad in your life? Look no further! This flashlight gets this week's Cathy Award. It's a SOLAR flashlight, and if you go to http://www.bogolight.com/ you can read about the amazing difference it can make in the lives of people around the world. You buy one for dad, and another is donated to the organization of your choice. You can choose from areas like Afghanistan, orphanages in Rwanda, or charities like Samaritan's Purse. How can you say no? Do not buy another tie/golf mug/cologne/video game(yuck). Give the gift of light.