5/2/07

Brutal Honesty

I will probably delete this post in a few days, so that Zinabu never knows I wrote it, but the last 48 hours have been some of the hardest of my life. If I didn't post on April 30th about how wonderful everything was going, I wouldn't believe it. Zinabu continues to vomit and run a fever. We have antibiotics for him, but I was only able to give him his first dose and have it stay down this afternoon. Today he was so sick he began associating our house and family with his illness. He tried to get into our van and he started crying the most mournful cry you've ever heard. He wanted to go back to Ethiopia...and who can blame him? The language barrier is so difficult when he's sick. There is NOTHING I can do for him except be there. He is angry at us, but he also wants me to hold him all the time. He was so clingy I couldn't even put him down to clean up the vomit on our floor.

I have hardly spoken to Carver and Lily, as they stand off to the side and cover their ears at Zinabu's cries. I try to be there for them, but it's impossible. I miss them, and I don't know how to express that. I have to believe Zinabu will start feeling better at some point...that I will actually sleep and brush my teeth at some point...that he will forgive me at some point for forcing medicine into him.

This is the part of adoption that I want to be bold and talk about. Everyone around you is so happy at the arrival of your child, it's easy to forget that this is when the hard work starts. Let's get real--I love Zinabu, but right now I am a nurse with no pay or shift change. Zinabu and I have no relationship. He does not trust me. He does not even like me very much. Of course it will get better in time. But for right now, the brutal honesty is that I am at my wit's end.

6 comments:

Gracie's Mom said...

Cathy, I am sooo sorry for all you guys. Please know that I will be faithfully praying for you and the entire family. I will be looking forward to next week when you post that things are 100% better. Please try and take good care.

Leian said...

While I can empathize greatly, I cannot imagine what you are really going through. I have dear friends that adopted a girl from China 2 years ago. After traveling half way around the world to get their new daughter and so much joy and excitement on everyone's part, reality set in hard. She was 2 and could not speak English; she cried and yelled non stop for almost 2 days; pushing both of them away (and she wasn't ill on top of it)and they felt helpless. What I do know is that it will get better and Zinabu will adjust and you will be able to sleep and brush your teeth.

Joe and Jane said...

I've been following your journey to your son because we plan to adopt from Ethiopia some day. I'm sorry the adjustment has been so rough. We had a rough adjustment with our daughter too (not that it's similar as all kids are so different). In China she wanted nothing to do with me and then she ended up spending her first day in the US in the hospital after having an allergic reaction on the plane home. She would cling and push me away at the same time. You're in our thoughts! Day by day, it will get better!

Anne said...

Cathy, you're all in my thoughts -- I'm so very sorry it's so hard right now. I think the adjustment would be hard enough without the illness. I hope little Zinabu feels much better soon, so that you can all get some rest and wake up to a new day!

Courtney said...

we'll be praying for you. I understand and I appreciate you letting us know so we can pray.

Anonymous said...

Hi Cathy.

I feel for you guys. Hang in there--one day at a time and all that. It can be tough bringing home an older child, but it will all come together. It's the getting there that is so hard. The other kids will be ok--and stronger and more compassionate when you get through. Hide in your room and eat some chocolate...
lock yourself in the car and let Dave clean up awhile. And know we are praying for you.

Cindy Sundberg