Just... Grief
One of the hard parts about adoption is that usually there is a tragedy in a child's life that leads to the relinquishment. We will never publicly discuss our kids' personal histories, so that means David and I do a lot of grieving together about what has happened to lead our children to us. But there was a major event in Z's life that is so unfair, so wrong, so sad--at times I am overwhelmed with the tragedy. It's a rough place for me to be, especially since some days I feel so alone in that grief. I look at his sweet little face and question how the world could go so wrong in one life. Did it lead him to us? Sure. But would it be better if the tragedy had never happened? Absolutely.


Orrange said...

i struggle with this a lot. Once when I was focusing on the probable future grief Sam will experience Brent reminded me, "But today he's joyful. So enjoy today." For me, it was a good reminder, b/c the grief can overwhelm me at times.
I know what it's like to ache for your kids. And to do it alone. And to have others placate my feelings.
I am not trying to do that.
I feel for you today.

Mama Papaya said...

How do you ever reconcile that your greatest joy came because your child suffered a loss no child should ever have to suffer. My heart overflows. My heart aches.

With you in your grief Mama.

Heather & Adam said...

I am also with you. Sometimes the BIGness of what we have taken on is overwhelming, because it is something that we will always carry for and with our children. But if there had to be another mama for Z, he definately got the best one.

Malia'sMama said...

I understand this one... lately I think about Malía's Enat a great deal and how much loss she and Malía had for Mal to be mine...
Your kids are adorable :)

Jim Casperson said...

Grief is a reminder that the joys of life should be celebrated when they arise. Not question why good and joy have come, but that they are the opposite of dark and grief.

Love can conquer a lot. We all crave more of it.

Be strong.

Brooke said...

Oh, how well said, that last sentence:
"But would it be better if the tragedy had never happened? Absolutely."

Sometimes when i am just sitting adoring my daughter, i just tear up randomly... i wonder, what will i do when she is older and actually notices this and asks me why? worse, what will i do when SHE is old enough to cry herself. Whew.