7/12/11

Happy Birthday To Me

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 40. To sound completely cliche, I have no idea how that happened. Yesterday I was 30. I swear I was. The past several years have gone by in a blur of diapers and adoption paperwork and moves to different houses and school volunteer hours and supporting David with career changes. You blink and it's gone.

I was nervous about 40. I watched the lines around my eyes deepen. I watched the waistband of my jeans tighten. I watched my 8.5 minute mile slow to a 9.5 minute mile (or more like 10 if I'm really honest). I started checking the age boxes 35 to 45 instead of 25 to 35.

I'm presently watching my children creep closer to me in shoe size. I feel irrelevant at playgrounds. I color my hair. I shun Botox but confess it could be a temptation. I understand that my insecurities as a woman will never go away; there will always be someone younger than me, better than me, prettier than me, riskier than me. I can't believe I still have the same bad habits that I've had since I was 16. I've become less limber. And I'm still scared to death of flying and elevators, though I force myself to do both.

I was dreading 40 and did not want to think about it, until I began to remember all the people in my life who have passed away. People who would have loved to have made it to 40. Who died so painfully young, who did not get to graduate from high school, or college, or have a chance to watch their children grow up.

I get to. I get to be 40. And I've never been more grateful.

I have a lot left to do in my life. Let me rephrase that. I have so, so, so much life in me and I have years and years ahead of me to do all kinds of things. I am not old or over the hill, nor am I clinging to 21 and trying to find the fountain of youth. I'm still me. Still Cathy. Still raising her children as best she can. Still trying to stay healthy and make a difference in the world. Still reading and creating and messing up and just being.

Just being me.

12 comments:

Melodie Monberg said...

Happy, happy Birthday! Party hard. Celebrate life. Eat a lot of cheese, drink some wine and kiss someone you love! Kiss a lot...it really does make the day seem amazing! smile

Vivi said...

Happy Birthday! If it's any consolation, you don't look 40...at all. As Oprah says, 40 is the new 30 anyways. Think of all the wisdom you've gained, and you're only as young as you feel anyways. :)

Have a great day and hope you lose count of all the ways you feel special.

hotflawedmama said...

Not sure why this post made me cry, but it did. You are so awesome, Cathy. I can say that now that I've lived with you a few days, watched you when you didn't think others were watching. I got to watch you with your kids, with your husband and with new friends and I can say you are an amazing almost 40-year-old.

I love your perspective...that you GET to be 40. Just awesome.

Love you, soul sista. Wish I was there to help you celebrate. (and by "help" I mean "buy $52 worth of candy and force it down your throat with a wine chaser ";))

hotflawedmama said...

Oh, and I LOVE that picture of you. Absolutely beautiful.

rebekah said...

This is such a beautiful post - I'd say you've been quite inspired by 40! Happy Birthday you amazing woman you!

Julie said...

Beautiful YOU! Happy 40th. You are awesome.

Mark and Sarah said...

40--the beginning of another, wiser decade for you. You age so gracefully, Cathy, inside and out. While at your house several of us were making guesses about how old you are, and we all agreed on mid-thirties. Not that it matters, because no matter what the number is, you are still the same beautiful you...inspiring so many of us as you embrace your now.

Happy birthday, dear friend.

AnnMarie & Nick said...

Happy Birthday, you are making 40 look pretty darn great!

jayme said...

The happiest of birthdays to you, dear friend. You are only getting better with age!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday to you, Cathy! You are doing life well. Treasuring those close and far and making a huge difference to many. You wrote so well a tribute to yourself. I loved reading it. Enjoy this day - and all the ones ahead. Love Jennifer Scott

Old Men Reflect said...

Happy Birthday dudette.
If the next 40 are like the first forty, you will like the ride.

Chatter said...

Sniff. Sniff. This was a beautiful post, as are you! Happy 40th to a wise, gracious, beautiful friend! Love you.