Do You Ever Wonder
Do you ever wonder if you are doing right by your kids? I think about this all the time. At the end of the day I have so many regrets.
I should have encouraged them to read more today.
I wish I had played Uno one more time.
I wish I hadn't forgotten to wash their underwear and socks.
I wish I had made them eat more vegetables today.
I wish I hadn't hidden in my room to read a magazine.
I wish I had asked them more questions about themselves.
And on an on. I feel this even more heavily because my children are adopted. Their birth families entrusted me with their child. Their child, for heaven's sake. What greater gift could you give to another human being? How high should my standards be for myself and for what my children should be achieving or experiencing or learning? How can I ever be at a place where I have done enough or be able to say, "Good job, me."
I am haunted by regrets and my mistakes. When I fail my kids or let them down, I regret not only my inadequacies as a parent but also what feels like a betrayal to my kids' family tree. I quake in the notion that I am not enough of a mom--to my children or their relatives. The reality is that I am not enough. "Enough" would be Carver and Lily and Zinabu living with their birth parents. In a perfect world, they would not be my kids. But because they are, and this world is not perfect and I am not perfect, I fight the regrets at the end of each day and vow to do better tomorrow. It's not much of a game plan, but it's all I've got right now.