10/3/11

It Looks Different
I have a friend on Facebook (she doesn't read my blog so I feel safe saying this) who is insanely positive all the time. And I mean all. the. time. Her twice-daily posts read something like this:

"It's Monday! Time to rise and shine. It's gonna be an awesome day!"
"Woo hoo! 4:30 am run and my head is swimming with great ideas. Today is gonna rock!"
"Aahhhhh! Sunday! Time to recharge and relax. Love, love, love it!!!"
"Super excited for my conference this morning. Life is good!"

I'm all for a positive attitude, but sometimes I want to stick a fork in her eye. She's a wonderful person. Truly. And I certainly don't like the opposite--the whiny, constant complainer. But there is a balance, right? So if you're wanting a happy post right now, you might need to go elsewhere. I just need to process for a bit.

I had often thought that we would adopt again. I especially thought that we would adopt a special needs child. I was most open to a baby or child with Down Syndrome. But the timing never felt right, and waiting for that right moment to start the process or even look into it never happened. I've often felt a loss over the years, that I was missing out on that special someone. My desire to take care of a child that faced a difficult medical future never left. What I didn't know was that child was already in our home and her life would be difficult because of a medical condition. It just wasn't the one I would have "chosen." As if we have any choice in what our kids struggle with. That's me just being a control freak again. We see a specialist tomorrow, and hopefully we'll have some more answers and a direction to take--rather than this aimless wandering in circles, wondering what the heck is going on. So even though I'm not feeling very positive at the moment, and even though the medical condition looks different than anything I had ever anticipated, at least I'm finding some comfort in the fact that at one time in my life I was up for the challenge.

I'm hoping to find that energy again.

13 comments:

Courtney O. said...

Yes it seems that God has prepared you for this. He has put a desire in your heart for redemption or healing or something of the sort. I'm sure you can put the words to it that I can't. I am sure this is crazy, crazy, crazy hard. I pray that knowing that God put this in your heart years ago, gives you something to stand on during the long, hard days. Not that it will be easy, but that you will know you are not alone in it.

konjochild said...

I’m mostly a lurker, but I can’t keep reading without stopping to say how very sorry I am about Lily and what you and she are facing. May tomorrow bring some peace and allow you a way to move forward.

rebekah said...

I am so sorry, but NOBODY is fired up at 4:30, even after a run.

This is such a transformative post, although I'm sure you've understood this for awhile - thank you for sharing with us.

Rachel said...

Thanks for being real!! No matter what happens in parenting, there are bound to be hard days and seasons. Praying the specialists can give you the answers you are looking for!

Julie said...

Ugh, I'll stick a fork in your friend's eye for you.

Thinking of you and your family.

jayme said...

I love you. I love Lily. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Life rarely works out according to our plans, and it just stinks that you're being put through the ringer lately. I'm sending every ounce of positivity that I can gather your way. Just know that you've got friends who are here to support you in any way we possibly can.

Anonymous said...

Love you guys. Will be praying tomorrow.

Katie said...

Have you ever read, "Welcome to Holland?" http://www.our-kids.org/archives/Holland.html. I don't think it pertains to your situation exactly, but your post reminded me of it. I'm a long time reader and want you to know how much I appreciate your blog. Sending lots of positive vibes to you and your family.

cathy said...

Katie. I love you. The Holland story is exactly what my life is like right now. Exactly. Thank you for sharing that with me. I had never heard of it before.

AnnMarie & Nick said...

Just wanted to write to let you know I'm thinking of your family.

Someone shared this with me a few years ago...

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." -Joseph Campbell

Bridget said...

Sending you lots and lots of lots of love right now. Lots.

Vivi said...

I hope the upcoming days will provide some resolution and peace of mind. Hugs to you...

Chatter said...

I love your outlook on life Cathy. You have such a big heart and your kids are so fortunate to have you fighting for them. Don't forget that! Your words of inspiration you sent me are right next to my bed. Right back at you friend~ Hugs.